Jess's Journal: Life Unscripted

Three years ago, my senior year of high school dealt a mixed bag. Three years later, I’m not the same person crying over what happened with journalism. In fact, a little more life experience can cause me to laugh at the general cynicism of life. If I’m honest, these failures made me toughen up a bit. Perhaps I’ve gotten a little too worrisome. College is a whole different level of mixed bag. When the lows happened in high school, they did not compare to the low points I have experienced in college. Even with last semester, I was focused on what people thought and what people tell me to do, instead of listening to my own heart and intuition. Wisdom taught me to be wary of chasing pipe dreams and plans that fall apart. I guess I am just sick and tired of trying at things I will never be good at. One more year to possible graduation. I will be looking forward to it.

Quicker than next semester's quips, my creative juices are in overdrive. More blog posts will be written more than ever, especially over the break. Expect a few poems to come from the fray. I have also received information from colleges at the graduate level, which has gotten me thinking about life after college. I am nervous about the whole thing to be honest. Maybe I will know more once graduation rolls around. Until then, I am going to take things one day at a time.

Life has its own share of chaotic moments we either share with close friends and family members or keep to ourselves in the midst of confusion. I remember over the summer when I volunteered at LUCID when chaos and confusion gave a whole new meaning to my life during 2017. In that time period, I struggled to find myself through a change in majors and a deteriorating mental state. I then thought to myself, "What purpose do I have left?" When life is in disarray, I go off course. Sometimes I struggle to realize that my plans are meant to fall apart before clarity takes place. So I spent the next few months struggling to write what was in my heart and soul in this crazy roller coaster called life. When human beings make plans without consequence, they fall apart. I sought to reclaim the teacher in me when I returned this past fall: the dreams I had plus many more. But the hole in my heart grew deeper and deeper. I was taking 18 hours over the course of the semester and I gr

When there is a writer's block, what am I to do? A writer with so many feelings cannot just stop writing all together. So many articles to plan in so little time. What's a girl to do? Luckily, the spring semester is on its way to beginning and it gets better from here. I am close to graduating and starting the next chapter. What's the next chapter? I do not know for sure. In the meantime, to keep my creative juices flowing, I am planning for a novel plus some poems. I got a few more articles and blogs to crank out as the semester rolls around.

For those that know me, I tend to bottle things up inside until the time passes where things go downhill. I wanted to bring up the topic of words. Words have the power to either bring life or death to a situation. In other words, words can help and hurt others. The power of our tongue can take us places we don't expect to go. Yet, the power of our mind and the power of our tongue work hand in hand. Once a word forms into our mind, it is pretty much inevitable it would be spoken. But what happens when words aren't enough? To be honest, when I speak to people, I tend to both overthink things and I also tend to stutter. The same holds true with writing. I tend to get so overwhelmed when writing long papers. I tend to go down the rabbit hole while on analysis mode with a topic until I get a second, and sometimes third pair of eyes when I proceed on the final draft. I would like to think that my careful and overly cautious choices of words would help in the long run, but somet

This is it. I've reached the halfway point of the fall 2017 semester. Never have I felt so frazzled and swamped with deadlines over essays and papers. Never had I had to worry about self-directed learning. Never had I have felt so behind on almost everything. Yet, this is par for the course. My midterm grades are still above average but I struggle to keep up with them. This is the peak, and it all goes downhill from this point. Before you know it, finals week will be around the corner. This past week, I have felt the waves of the 18 hour semester come crashing down on me like moths to flames. Sometimes, it is a struggle. Is it worth it? Yes. The feeling of dread surrounding me when it comes to school shall pass. I will be okay.

Over the past few weeks of my third year of college, I've wrestled with the battle against my own singleness. As an INTJ, friendships and relationships do not come easily to me. I always wanted things and words to make sense. There are days in which I struggle with verbally getting the words out as eloquently as I put them down on paper. Other times, what I put down on paper is the opposite of eloquent. As an introvert, human interactions expend energy from me. After social events, I need time to myself to recharge. This has been a huge barrier in my personal and professional life. If I'm really honest with myself, it's part of the reason why I am on a different path than what I have originally planned in college. There are times where I wish that my personality was a little different. There are times that I wish I wasn't impulsive in my unconscious mind. Historically, I've struggled with my own singleness for a long time. I never dated in high school, and so far,

For the past three months, I have been writing poems on and off left and right. I've only completed one poem out of three, but here is an unfinished poem I am currently working on. "Anguish" On the surface, I’m happy But on the inside, I’m weeping It seems as if no matter what I do I’m always going to be reminded By past mistakes and past hurts It’s always one step forward Taking two steps back Constantly asking myself Is it worth fighting for Something or someone already lost? For today, I am Job A shell of a girl I once knew Wasting away in the midst Of chaos and confusion – I’m only ashes and dust. The anguish of my spirit And the bitterness of my soul Is all I’ve ever known. Then I ask myself, Does it really have to be this way?    

Since I have three weeks until school starts back for the semester, I feel like now is the time to create another blog post. For the past three months I've done a lot of soul searching for myself. People have prayed for me for God's plan to be revealed in my life, but I have also done some praying for the situation at hand. So, I am going to reveal what has been in my soul. To be honest, I still feel lost when it comes to my future. When I lost education as a major, I lost a sense of stability in my life. All of my plans went up in smoke, and one thing I want to say is this. The way I see my situation is that mainly, there are two options. To be honest,   I could either accept that the people on staff at the Educational Studies Unit are not going to change their decision to reject me and move on with some chances of regret, or I could change my attitude, build a backbone, and stop letting people (including the ESU staff) make me feel less than who I am. With this change in at

A year ago, I took on a 30 day prayer challenge not only to grow closer to the Lord, but to also attempt to gain clarity in the midst of chaos and confusion. I wanted to make sense of what is causing division in my family, and the presidential election amplified the differences to the point where nothing makes sense. Then, in the fall semester, I wrote an essay about my failed attempts to become an individual in both a collectivist Appalachian society and Greek family values through anxiety. A year later, gaining clarity in the midst of chaos and confusion was the theme of my summer starting with volunteering at LUCID for a week of worship. I am in a transition period with a college major change after another 4.0 semester, but a rejection from the teacher education program. The chaos and confusion took on a brand new level to where the future remains unclear. And the common denominator: anxiety. It is a thing that I have struggled with for a long time. I am super competitive acad

Dear Education, I am writing this to let you know that I have moved on. You were a part of my story for two years. Although we shared so many good memories together, you decided that you weren't right for me and left me without any explanation. However, it is not that simple. With you, I lost a part of myself I could never get back. With you, I had to lie in expense of everything else. You were always first and everything else came second. I did everything to please you, but it is clear that I couldn't measure up to your standards. You encouraged me to lie which led to me losing a scholarship. I couldn't even be my quirky, funny, and creative self around you. You tried to change me into something I was not for the sake of fitting into your definition of professional. I always felt inadequate around you as I had to walk around eggshells. You put me down through action plans, people, and experiences. People kept asking me to quit you, but I was too invested in you to ev

Hey guys! I think I have my upcoming fall semester schedule somewhat finalized. So, I want to go on a little journey through what this fall is going to be like for me. 1. ENGL 310 - Major Authors In this class, a particular author is going to be covered. I will be studying and reading all about the author and his or her works. In this class, I will be reading selected works from Flannery O'Connor. This class also includes a three day field trip to Flannery O'Connor's birthplace, home, gravesite, and archives in Savannah and Milledgeville, GA. Major Authors is a required core class for all English majors. 2. ENGL 421 - History of the English Language This class is a study of the origins and developments of the English language and grammar from the Anglo-Saxon period to today. This is a required core class for all English majors. 3. ENGL 471 - Shakespeare Shakespeare is a required class for all English majors. It is also a really fun class. 4. SPAN 111 - Elementar

They changed me Into somebody I'm not They'll look with glee When they are rid of me How could this be They stress me out a lot But they are with glee Because they set me free

Over the past couple of weeks, I have reflected on a lot of things. When I was rejected from the teacher education program at Union, my life suddenly stopped for a moment. A curve ball had hit me straight in the face. Understandably, I was in tears. I couldn't handle what would happen next. I felt that I had let everyone, including my friends and family, down. I thought, now what? The next couple of days were the roughest, as I was performing, with Union Harmony, in front of so many people including the professor who flat out told me that education is not the right fit for me. I held back my anger and tears, knowing he was a major reason that my aspirations were crushed. I had a dream, and it was put on hold. I wanted nothing more than to just prove to him along with everybody else in the department that I will be successful in the teaching field, despite their thoughts that I wouldn't thrive in it. However, it is all over now, and there is no reason to have bad blood, or reg

It has been almost a year since my last post. While reading through the previous blog posts I have made, I have realized that I have come so much farther than I did not realize. When I have written "Illusions", I had quit journalism and life was falling apart. I have since moved on from the experience and looked back with a smile. Yet, there are things that happened in college that are beyond my control. When I started my second year at Union College, I was an education major. I wanted to teach high school students. Due to events that were not of my control, I ended my career as an education major and am now continuing on as an English major. This was completely unexpected. Although life is not falling apart at the same capacity as it did when I quit journalism, there is still somewhat of a grudge and resentment. During my time as an education major, I was frustrated beyond belief. I lost a part of myself that I could not get back. I also have wasted two years on time and