Jess's Journal: Life Unscripted

This blog post is an important one for me to write. It has gotten apparent that my twenty-fourth birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I, yet again, have put myself in the crossroads of life. My devotional readings as well as my prayer time revealed revival as a #OneWord for 2020. But wait, there's more. One of the other words I've considered is grit. Grit definitely ties into responsibility. And one of the many gripping things I've wrestled with in the past few years is that while the Lord closes doors in order to protect us, we have to sacrifice our own comfort and safety to follow the path that the Lord has for us. I think now is the most important time to recognize that God  usually does not put you in the most comfortable or closest school or path. We're not meant to be comfortable. We're not meant to be secure. We're meant to get out of our comfort zone. I think that's the most important value of all. At the end of the day, our own closed doors se...

Ten days until the end of the decade, and I am getting ready to reveal my #OneWord for 2020. Although this time, I will also talk about how the past decade has shaped me all the way to now. At the start of the decade, I lived through the heydays of Facebook and Twitter. I was in middle school trying to get my start in music through covers of popular songs. But then I realized a key part of copyright. Then I tried to get my comedic chops going and it did not work out either. As of today, my YouTube channel sits empty. Then, Vine came along my high school days. Humor dominated my junior and senior years of high school. If you haven't heard of Vine, it was basically a six second version of TikTok minus the lip-syncing.  In music, I gradually went from listening to pop, hip hop, and country to rock, punk, and metal with some hip hop sprinkled in. Contemporary Christian music also was a part of my playlist in some moments. That was a snapshot of my life over the past ten years...

Today as I am sitting at the table, with coffee in hand, preparing for a December TV update for Pop Culture Cosmos, I thought about a lot of things. Jessica's Show is coming out of hiatus. I have been radio-silent on the podcast front since November 17. There are a lot of things to address. It is December 12, and a lot has happened since the last post. I'm going to clarify the paragraph, " When I was in college, I surrounded myself with like-minded people, same views and interests. But nowadays, I want to surround myself with people with different backgrounds, cultures, views, hobbies, etc. I have since limited contact with the people I associated with in college, with the exception of a few people. I'm probably not going to get into the details of what led to that, because I have no business putting all that stuff out there on social media. But one thing is for sure, I don't have the same group of friends I did back then. That's life. There's no drama, n...

How do I word this blog post? It's December 2, and the year has gone by super fast. I've learned quite a few lessons on forgiveness and relationships in the past few years, but more so in the past year. I have a hard time putting this into words. Two posts were in my drafts folder on this blog and this year is not even done yet. There are so many open possibilities that I have at this point so I can go anywhere if I set my mind to it. Back in high school, I was trying different things. I was on the journalism staff briefly, I was in choir for two non-consecutive years, and I tried my hand in academic team. I was also secretary of my high school's Book Club and the Future Business Leaders of America, and interestingly enough, books were an integral part of my undergraduate career. Even now, I am still trying out new things. I learned that for every plan that does not work, there are always backups. I will be sharing one of my backup plans. For a backup plan, I thought ...

Since we are in the middle of the semester, I decided to share a couple of poems I've written at the moment. Since poetry has been a recurring thing on my blog, I wanted to share more of my work for my own personal enjoyment. I have more coming soon, so watch out for more. Dancing When clouds float across mountain tops, Impressions and misty waters stop leaving footprints as they glide upon hearts taking part – dancing set apart on color charted fashionable runways Our eyes gaze Sun sets ablaze enough for one last song crafted by human errors. Screenwriting Like an archer  She shoots and misses She aims --her intended target the screenplay buzzing  through miles  without reaching its  bullseye Like changing gears  on a rough drive through the mountains,  a clear fog reaching the surface.  Like a capstone paper assignment  receiving feedback in red font -- like the my...

Over the past few months, I thought I would write this long-awaited post. Part 1 and Part 2 are hyperlinked within this post, so jump in and read them to see the journey. Two years after I wrote these two posts, I went on a huge journey to discover things about myself I never thought about. I learned about health and love. I learned about vulnerability. I learned about trust. I learned about the importance of keeping touch with people in a healthier way. I also realized that people have multifaceted personalities. The other day, it really hit me. There really is no such thing as old Jess. Nor is there any such thing as new Jess. I'm just me, Jess. And I'm evolving as a person. While I believe that God can change a person, the biggest strides in life are that the person takes steps to change. Maturation did not really happen overnight. Some of the biggest lessons I've learned in the past two years are some of the most challenging things I had to learn. As I've gott...

Some chapters in life are not going to end happily, and that is okay. I never thought I would start a blog post with a theme of accepting that life doesn't work out the way I planned it out. I never planned on taking a gap year, but I am because I need to know what it's like to rest. I accepted that opportunity last October and while it doesn't make sense to most people, it was what was best for me. I never planned on graduating without an education degree. But a what was likely a tough decision for the dean to not allow me to go further into the program turned out to be what was best for me. My heart shattered into a million pieces, understandably. It took me two years, but I finally accepted that God was not calling me to the school system. I decided to close that chapter at graduation, reverse a previous open letter to my old major by writing a new one, and not look back. I could go on and on about the plans I have made while in college that have not worked out the w...

Dear Education, It is time for me to apologize and own up to everything I have done to you, both in what led to the parting of ways and the aftermath. After all that's said and done, I am the only one responsible for our eventual outcome. I take full responsibility of my actions since the open letter from two years ago. If anything, the experience I had the last two years made me realize a lot of things. I was the one who chose to lie to lose a scholarship. I was the one who tried to change myself instead of being real with you. I was the one who rejected any attempts of constructive criticism through your action plans by living in complete denial of everything. I was the one who was competitive and perfectionistic. And I was the one who decided that being negative towards you or doing things out of jealousy through both my social media use and in real life was healing when in actuality, I was continuing to hurt myself and everyone in the process. Especially for attention. I kn...

Ever since I graduated college with a Bachelor of Arts degree, I had a series of revelations about myself I never realized before. Honestly, I never thought this blog would last like it did. Originally, it is a way for me to cope through life's struggles and challenges. As I matured, I discovered thought patterns and habits that are no longer present in my life. Some of the biggest factors of healing is recognizing the sense of power within yourself, or as I like to call it, inner strength. News flash: the world is not out to get me. Failure is not a death sentence. Nor is it a mental road block. Failure should not paralyze you. In fact, it should be your greatest motivator to rise above it all. Personally, I would like to tell my younger self this to save her from feeling worthless. Because even in failure, you are worth something. In fact, facing my fear of rejection by not taking it personally is a part of the maturation process. In fact, seeing how a lot of my peers handle ...

I remember thinking today during the reflective period about the newness of life. Recently, I have worked on the Bible reading plan, "Longing Wrongly". I asked myself what I longed for. Well, consistent with the transparent intent of this blog, I should reveal this. Over the past year, I did a lot of soul searching. Just like how sometimes endings may not be what is intended and doors close, new things come to existence. Apparently, the ending creates a new beginning. Today, I finally decided to let the pain, bitterness, anxiety, sadness, and anger go. Throughout the process, God was healing me from the inside out. It was not easy. Trust the process. It's worth it in the end. We can acknowledge the past and how it affects us, but if we dwell on it, it will be hard to move forward. God sends people even during our lowest points to carry us. God did not promise healing, He promised to be with me throughout these points. It reminds me about the parable about the how th...

Somehow, I feel led to share what has been on my heart the past few weeks. Since I am heading into the final stretch of the semester, I had so many thoughts and emotions roll through my mind and heart like a rush of wind. Comparison is the thief of joy. How am I going to break that down? It starts with a Facebook post, an Instagram post, a Tweet. Then I see people share about getting engaged, a pregnancy, wedding photos, and everything else under the sun. And then questions come into my mind, such as, "Why not me?" "Why am I still single?" "Am I pretty enough?" "Am I smart enough?" Then a feeling a dread comes in...rushing, rushing, rushing like the Cumberland River during a storm where there's a flood. But snap back to reality. What gives? That's how you know comparison is the thief of joy. It leads to jealousy and bitterness. It leads to acting without thinking. It leads to discouragement. What's the cure? It's...

It is Day 6 of the Daniel Fast, and a lot of things have come to pass. The semester has started, and the assignments are clear as day. But there were things I did not understand. This morning during my quiet time, I discovered the word abundance. Now, it refers to what we have in great quantities. There is a great quantity of time. There are great quantities of knowledge I have. But what we do with these qualities may lead to things becoming idols that rob us of both. This morning, the Word became so clear. For the past week I have been trying (and failing!) to fast off of the news and limiting social media that I have almost no sight of the forest beneath the trees. For now, it is time to refocus. God is still on the move. He will always move. I will receive it and believe it.

As we enter into 2019, I wanted to take a moment and review my ever evolving word for 2018: integrity. I chose that word carefully based on Union's core values. My spiritual phrases and words were be still and surrender. I have to be honest, I didn't do a great job upholding the original one word since it changed repeatedly. This was my first time doing the One Word challenge instead of a New Year's resolution. Now that 2018 is over, it is time to dive into the reasoning behind my one word for 2019. My #OneWord for 2019 is responsibility. Now, responsibility is a tough one to conquer, but as I learned on the last Sunday sermon of 2018, I have to recognize that a change in belief leads to a change in behavior. Before 2018 ended, I decided to break up with the blame game and start taking responsibility for every mistake I have made. One of the responsibilities I ended up taking so far is abandoning my long time Alice in Wonderland/Mad Hatter composition notebook. I used t...